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Saturday, March 27th, 2004
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hey guys just thought I should fill you all in. As of 16:07Hrs Monday March 8th I became the first of us to be a dad. I now have a Son, Ethan - yes as in Ethan from Mission: Impossible -, he came in at 8lbs 8oz and is simply the cutest little guy ever. I'll be in town over easter, from the 9th-12th-ish so we should all meet up sometime. Jx
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Thursday, February 19th, 2004
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Well, I just saw my first corpse. She was so heavy. Damn I cant stop shaking...
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I was looking over my last enteries and i found this:
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My current mood is thankful because I realise how much I have to be thankful for: I have each of you to be thankful for both to you and God - Beth, I thank God because you're just you, in every way. U light up my day and always give the biggest hugz. *Realises that he has been sat on v. hard chair for hours and has no feeling in his left buttock - slowly shifts to his right* Lizzie, I thank God because you are ALWAYS there for me and are the most honest, you know when I'm just being Jonny and swiftly tells me (in the words of my ex-Deputy head). Your very presence in the room determines the mood and atmosphere, you're the biggest personality that I know and I love you for it. Mwah! Sean, I thank God for you because your own personal form of sarcasm and cynicism can be (and is) incorporated into any conversation, just to put an edge on it, you can talk to me on a blokey level without the need for one of the lads (although most of them are great). Sam, I thank God for you in everything, I thank God because we do groovy things together like playing ultimate (btw I'm not going to get the disk if you throw it over!) and make candles n watch musicals n stuff. I feel blessed to know you and be able call you my best friend. I thank God for Hayley, for everything about her, and the way she's helped me see Christ again after pulling me out of the mist that clouded my vision. But I thank God the most for Him - for the work he does and continues to do, I pray that He'll never stop.
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I love you guys and though some things have changed the way I feel hasn't. Beth's working and the rest, well, we're all off to University, Sean @ Notts Trent, Liz @ Abber, Sam @ Herts, Hayley at work and then Bishop Grott. & God, well, whether we like it or not he's with us all always and wherever we go.
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Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
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| Time: | 3:53 pm. |
| Mood: |  contemplative. |
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If turnips be the vegetable of love;
How many bowls of turnip soup does it take to act as a aphrodisiac?
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Hi people, remember me? I'm not suprised it's been over 40 days since my last entry. I've been so busy resently with the carnival etc. I only just got to read all ur entries for the last 2 weeks. Lizzie's one on father's day really touched me. Thank you hunnie for thinking that - I'm here next time and I'm sorry I wasn't then.
Neway, after reading them all I started to get all nostalgic. I realised that only 3 years ago I would've been either in some field somewhere covered in war paint and leading teams who respected me for the stripes on my jacket and because I'd earnt them. I'd be flying over Yorkshire from RAF Leeming in the planes that my dad was once the commanding engineering officer for. Or, I'd be chilling out with the people I really cared for and that care for me - the ones that leant me their Female CWO uniform on my last day for a laugh. I've not seen them in years - not talked to them. I remembered even further back when me and Fudge (who was still Mark then) spent almost al our time together but now really only are friends because we happen to hang out in the same places with the same people. The I think of you. Promises. Sam, do you remember when we'd tell each other everything as soon as it happened? How I'd be the first person u'd ring when you got back from an Ultimate comp and how I came round to your house as soon as I got back into the country from mission, before I'd even gone home to have a shower or even drop off my kit? What's happened? Why aren't we like that now. Gone. And then that scared me. Does this mean that me and Lizzie are doomed to share the same fate in a few months? Even if we do all get through - what will happen after college? When we're all going to Uni or getting jobs. Will we ever speak again? I know you all remember when I thought that I was in love with Sam! But then I was sure, now I know I was wrong - or that I don't love her like I did. But now I KNOW that I'm in love with H. But I was wrong with Sam, why not H? Most of all - Will I ever come to a point when I just loose contact with God. Live, love, friendships and relationships - fragile and brittle.
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Ah, it's been a while but I'm back - Y u ask, well it's this simple: Sam's in the ELC and I'm supposed to be reading (I'm in the library). However thought I'd check on all u guys n have a fundamental problem with one of Sean's philosophies. Actually, it's not so much a fundamental problem more that since he first came up with it around 6 months ago I've had time to reconsider it and arrive at an appropriate counter-point. ... So here goes:
According to Sean's theory of love, love is purely a justification of the primal desire to reproduce. A very valid point from the Darwinistic sense. So assuming this Darwinist perspective, and taking into account the rest of Sean's philosophy, the primal theory comes from Darwin's own humanistic thirst for knowledge. But religion already had this covered; after all he was a protestant minister - until his daughter died. So Darwin was trying to find the answers that man didn't have, when he couldn't he simply theorised something, which is, contrary to popular belief, totally invented and with no real empirical evidence to support it. Where am I going with this? You ask. It's simple - Darwinism has not only been shown to be unempirical (non-scientific) but also strongly biased. Darwin couldn't possibly have held scientific objectivity because he didn't have the scientific atheism needed to come to such anti-theological conclusions. He wasn't a scientist, but due to his daughter’s untimely demise, an anti-theologist. So the primal urge theory is defunct because in this case we can't base our opinions on Darwinistic methodology because he has no supporting evidence.
So now that we can assume, please try even if you are still a Darwinist, that Darwin's theories are refuted we can rest on a base of perpetual-humanism (That is that humans simply always have been humans - note: not creation theory). With this there is no primal desires to speak of. What we feel and call love is actually lust. A definition of lust is the emotional, and hormonally induced desire for sexual intercourse and reproduction. Clearly from this it can be seen that this is the actual feeling that Sean talks in his advocating of reproduction theory. This is not love. In the English language it is difficult to operationalise the concept of love, thus why the Latin (I think it's Latin, you'll have to excuse me if it's another language) has four words for love. So here's my theory; Love is not so much an emotion, as these are all based on hormonal imbalances that shift and change throughout life, but a decision. Love is the decision to remain and care for another person for the rest of an individual's life. Love is a testimony that proclaims feeling, not emotion, for another so strongly that their life is an intertwination of the individual's and is worth more than their own. Love is a decision made under the influence of a number of factors, including emotional content, to care for and share life with a person.
Finally, in today's western society love is an overused word. Why? Because it's fallen out of context. Men have found that buy claiming to love someone the get bedded, and from that it has become a shifting concept when it is actually a perpetuation.
God created love, and God has demonstrated love. Love is knowing you are God and putting up with the crap we throw at him. Love is being whipped, beaten, mocked, scorned by your Father's priests and prophets and finally killed to save the lives of the people that did it. God operationalised love, he created it perfectly and we've destroyed its beauty and turned into a bedroom phrase. If we'd have stuck with God's idea of love, Sean would never of had to come up with his theory. Until this last paragraph I've tried to keep a head of scientific atheism and objectivity. Don't view the preceding paragraphs as religious ranting because it's atheistically written.
I hope this is a valid counter-point, n this isn't anything against Sean just that I've thought about an answer now.
Jx
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As a head note: I'm on a really groovy looking but quite awkwardly set out lap top which, for some odd reason wants to put my text all over the place??? Go figure.
So, I have been at my dad's house for about 4 days now, I think I?m doing quite well, I was dreading a weekend with him and my new step-mum but so far have successfully lasted the last almost week and go back on Tuesday morning. Throughout the week we?ve been shopping twice (my favourite part) and I?ve been able to get:
Pierre Cardin Boots , yummy at a reduced ?45.00
DKNY summer slippery type things, even yummier at a reduced ?29.99
Some generic (but groovy) suede loafers - Umm ?20.00
Vans Boarding trainers V. nice at ?60.00
New FCUK t ? shirt truly offensive but reduced at ?20.00
Some sunglasses having an identity crisis as they are Dial (boots brand) in an FCUK hard case at ?15.00
I have to say I?m quite impressed. My father has never before tried to buy my love and affection through the use of designer labels, I just hope this new development becomes concrete phenomena. Why, aren?t I just the cynic today? Yes of course. You have to be to survive the current political climate within my family. Basically my new step-mum is a neurotic and probable schizophrene and zealously protects my dad from the possibility of another women, ?How? ? you ask, in the four days that I have been here I haven?t seen dad go further than the back garden without Ali?s supervision. Even then, when dad came to discussing the future patio designs for the garden with a female next door neighbour Ali dropped her ironing and set out to involve herself if not end the pleasantries. The only place (as far as I?m aware) that he?s permitted to go to without the supervision of his psychotic wife is to my gran?s (his mum?s). Even then it?s only because she hates her and loathes any time they spend together, this has lead to an apparent classical conditioning between gran?s presence and Ali?s migraines. Anyway, she?s managing to cause so much friction in the family I feel as though I?m being rubbed by a rather large and particularly nasty piece of sandpaper. She has in her head and is convincing dad (amazing what sex bans can do) that because mum never has any money and is constantly indebted to somebody or another she squanders all her money?She?s a student! She?s not supposed to have any money and is supposed to be racking up ?1000?s ? it?s an inevitability to studentcy and it?s really annoying me cause dad?s buying Stephen a new bike but is transferring the money into my account because he (Ali) thinks that she?ll ?waste it?. I?m sorry, but wasn?t it me who spent the combined monies of my birthday (approx. ?300-400) on alcohol in the first 2 months, of cause that wasn?t wasting money ? wasting it would be buying stupid things like the MORTGAGE or FOOD! But they can?t see how mum struggles to keep us. Also, he knows that when I return home it will take me weeks to convince mum that dad?s money and the fact that he buys me designer labels amounts to nothing in comparison to the fact that she?s always been there for me at every step and remind her that she?s the only one that remembers my important dates without the help of a personal organiser. Basically, other than that she?s the person who kicked Paul out, although he probably did deserve it, she?s still caused all the families problems for the last 10 months.
Still, the journey up here provided a lot of entertainment. Sean was with us until Darlington (strangely) but by Doncaster we?d met some very odd characters: Malisha (who was constantly the butt of all the worst name jokes). Tim, who was so stoned and drunk by the time he left the train at Newcastle he was singing Frank Sinatra and needed picking up. & Steve who was even more stoned and after Newcastle was constantly smoking splifs until Edinbrough. But the latter provided me n Steve (my 13 y old brother) beers till he left so I don?t mind.
Well, here?s sommit that some of you already know and sommit I want to tell everyone . . . . Hayley said ?YES?! I can?t believe it ? she actually said yes. I really didn?t expect it after she told me that she was confused and needed to think. I mean, that?s the usual line men receive isn?t it? Anyway, I?m really, REALLY happy about it and I just need to keep praying about the relationship and that God will help it run the course that God wants it to and that we get to see each other as often as possible.
At the moment I?m just taping my music for the up and coming Moldova mission and sipping a refrigerated can of Tennents ? the ultimate Glasweigen larger and the most likely to come flying through a shop front. I have to congratulate Glasgow?s youth criminal element for this?they?ve found a use for it ?cause it?s virtually undrinkable! I?m quite worried bout the amount I?m drinking again. I stopped smoking last Thursday but have drank copiously everyday since. Anyway, I?m struggling with not smoking, potential alcoholism and am worried about the Moldova mission so even though none of you are religious I would seriously appreciate some prayer for me, and even if this is too much comments of ?good luck? etc directed to God for me will do
I have to go now ?cause it?s 01:40 and am getting the whole parental thing.
Love you all,
Jx
Current scripture: ?I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength? (Philippians 4:13)
Application: Commit my new relationship to Jesus, He can run with it for me, protect us and shape us to his way and it will succeed.
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The soft, smooth notes of the Unchained Melody float into the small , cramped office/bedroom @ my dad's house. Once again the words spark of the memories of me n Hayley sitting together holding hands, alone in the upstairs annex of the silent Church building at what was far past midnight.
Life is once again begining to tire me out. I have a tonne of work to do before I go back to college a week Monday and I have absolutely no time in which to do it. I'm continuously tired and I really feel like giving up but I know that I can't, somehow I must try to keep moving, taking one step after another and then when I get to my destination - moving on to my next. Before facing the up and comming Moldova mission I have to have a good background knowledge of the social, political and economic state in the late Weimar years and how it helped Hitler's Nazis get into power, I have to have read my way through a number of sociological hand outs and be complatijng a revision timetable and for Psychology I have to have started to revise and have Mocks in Gender development theory, General Memory, Research methods and statistics, and I think there's a cgnition and law one as well. I'm going to fail, especially in psychology because I can't remember any of the newer studies or their researchers names and dates.
Still I got some new boots loafers and a FCUK t-shirt today so life aint that bad. I have to go and phone Hayley now, although she'll think I'm desperate (oh wait, for her I am)
btw Sean, those dudes on the train started offering me n steve their beer after Newcastle n then...they just sparked up a dubie ON THE TRAIN!!!
Jx
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Wednesday, March 27th, 2002
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'You fall; you are lost and cannont see,
What will become of youself?
You turn to ask ...
But I can see only Damnation.'
(Lyrics from the stage music 'Nupraptor's
keep' Legacy of Kain)
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'Estel, Estel!' These are the last words of Lady Arwin, Queen of Gondor to her husband Lord Aragorn, the last King of men. I have no idea what they mean or what Tolkien meant by them. But because of this they come to express my feelings perfectly; I don't know what I feel, my emotions at the moment are in a state of indescribability. There is only one clear thought that is constantly running through my mind at the moment:
'You made the wrong decision Jonny!!!'
Ok, I'm going to have to admit that all of you that are reading this were right, I am an idiot; I've thrown away my chances for somebody who is for lack of a better word, perfect. I just came of the phone from her about an hour ago and have realised that I'm totally falling for her! To be honest I don't know how she feels at the moment due to the whole distance thing but when I was ringing her I thought that it'd only been yesterday when I last saw her and I already couldn't wait to talk to her again! It was just so good to hear her voice again. I've arranged to go up and see her twice so far in the next month or so and have just realised that I'm going to have to go see her again on the weekend of the 18th of May cause it's Vicky's birthday (another of the team). I really can't wait. Of course, this means that I've already spent my money for the next 2 months but believe me it's worth it! This equals - 'Sean, mine's a pint!' lol. I need to find out how she feels about the distance thing but more importantly we both (that is if she wants to as well) need to go to the guy that we should've asked in the first place - God. I mean the whole God's plan thing that was at the end of my last entry brought me to think that we should've consulted the Big guy before we made any decisions anyway. But what is in the past is in the past; I hope that the situation is rectifiable and that I haven't totally blown it. I know that after the majority of today's conversations u'll all be fed up of hearing the name Hayley if I don't change the subject soon, but just to end it I'd like to say that she is such a gift that I just want to (and already have once today) break out into tongues in praise for the things God can and does do. She is, to use a good old clich?, the answer to my prayers.
Anyway, the rest of the day went pretty well; I had my first History exam today and that went better than I thought it would, however, that's just cause I was all prayed up and God had a few of His homies in the room with me, most notably the Holy Spirit (for a ghost it's pretty cool). The rest of the day dragged on and I was considering skiving Sociology but Lizzie was ill and I was really in the mood for some Jonny-Lizzie time + Sam said that she'd considered skiving it but couldn't be bothered with the hassle and was going so I decided to go. Btw, sommit to comment on - do ppl spell Wahoo as 'Wahoo' or 'Wohoo' cause me n Sam got into a debate about it and everyone sided with me but she wont accept it (lol). Now that it's public knowledge...Beth, I know it's your decision and ur mind's made up but I don't want you to leave college. I'll miss you and our chats n stuff. U'll have to phone me all the time and U have to be down the pub EVERY week so I can c u. *hugs*.
It's now 12:15 so I'd better wrap it up. My current mood is thankful because I realise how much I have to be thankful for: I have each of you to be thankful for both to you and God - Beth, I thank God because you're just you, in every way. U light up my day and always give the biggest hugz. *Realises that he has been sat on v. hard chair for hours and has no feeling in his left buttock - slowly shifts to his right* Lizzie, I thank God because you are ALWAYS there for me and are the most honest, you know when I'm just being Jonny and swiftly tells me (in the words of my ex-Deputy head). Your very presence in the room determines the mood and atmosphere, you're the biggest personality that I know and I love you for it. Mwah! Sean, I thank God for you because your own personal form of sarcasm and cynicism can be (and is) incorporated into any conversation, just to put an edge on it, you can talk to me on a blokey level without the need for one of the lads (although most of them are great). Sam, I thank God for you in everything, I thank God because you spend the majority of your waking life with me and we do groovy things together like playing ultimate (btw I'm not going to get the disk if you throw it over!) and make candles n watch musicals n stuff. I feel blessed to know you and be able call you my best friend. I thank God for Hayley, for everything about her, and the way she's helped me see Christ again after pulling me out of the mist that clouded my vision. But I thank God the most for Him - for the work he does and continues to do, I pray that He'll never stop.
Mwah! I love you all and remember you in my prayers. Big hugz all round.
Jx
Current scripture: 'Also, I tell you that if two or more of you on earth agree about something and pray for it, it will be for you by my Father in heaven. This is true because if two or three people come together in my name I am with them.'
Application of the scripture: If God wants something to happen between me and Hayley we should pray about it, he can take it from there.
ps. Am beginning to regret that big paragraph about the way I feel for Hayley cause I gave her my lj addy. But it took me so long to write there's no way I'm not gonna publish it. Note to Hayley: Ignore that paragraph till I actually ask u plz.
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Once again, the single choice of moods with the lj proves it self deficient for my needs. I feel spiritually refreshed but at the same time I'm tired cause I was up talkin to Hayley till 4am, I feel loved and touched because of the time me and Hayley spent together and I feel crushed because I had to leave Hayley. (for those of u that don't know Hayley is a friend that I met on the Share Jesus mission in the last summer holidays and was the one that invited me on the weekend)
So, got there ok and soon had the stage and puppets all ready to go. The shows went well, apart from this morning's service when I was franticly seaching for an outfit for one of the puppets when I knocked over some boxes, which all would've been bad enough except the congregation were in the middle of prayer!!! Anyway, things went smothley with the whole puppet side of things, the food could've been better but I'm sure it's gonna be great compared to what I'll face in Moldova. Anyway, I met some more members of the team, which I wont bore you with the details of and generaly had a realy good time. Of course, all this was second to Hayley...
I worked directly under Hayley as she was sorta the backstage team leader and I was trying to do changing and organising the puppets and being a buddy for the backstage team. So on Sat night at around 12am we realised that wen everyone else was going to bed we had to sort out stuff for the next morning's show. So we stayed up, cleared up and got everything sorted. After that we went upstairs for a chat and we were just sat chatting about sommit completely pointless and she leaned over and kissed me! I mean this is totally odd, she instigated the first kiss. It was the perfect first kiss; the kind that film makers spend hours of shooting and reams of film to get. She caught me totally of guard and stopped me mid-sentence. She stroked her hand down my cheek and slid it down my arm to hold my hand. It was stong and passionate but at the same time tender and searching the sort that all other first kisses are measured against for as long as you can remember it. Then before I had realised what was hapening (If u knew her u'd c why it took a few seconds to realise that she was kissing me) she broke away. It all went from there. We stayed up and talked till 4am when we got bollocked for being up so l8 and where told to go to bed. Then we slept holding hands (well, tried to sleep - 2 of the team were doing a bloody good job of keeping us awake snoring). The next morning we were (amazingly) up b4 the others except for Emma (one of the youngest on the team who did an excellent job of jumping on me and Hayley for a cuddle) and just spent the moring together trying to get ready in time for the show and afterwards taking all the stuff down and getting the puppets packed away. The weekend was really good and I had a great time but The time with Hayley was worth so much more than anything I did or could've done this weekend. The time we spent together was so unbelievable precious and I wish that I was still there with her now. The conclusion? We decided that it would've been impossible to try to work a long distance relationship when I have no job and no car. The decision was one that neither of us wanted or wants now and in the 9 hours that it's been since I held her so close I could feel her heartbeat racing alongside mine the number of times I've looked back on the decision and wondered if it was the right one, the number of times I've contemplated phoning her up and telling her that I was wrong to think that we couldn't handle a long distance relationship are in-numerable. The outcome only goes to prove that things like this only ever work out in love stories and chick flicks. What can I say to finish? what would be suitable to end this paragraph - I don't love her, but I don't just like her. We didn't have enough time together to find ourselves with each other. But if I could, if it were possible, I'd love to love her. To have the chance to see her and hold her as much as possible and just to let her know that I'll be there.
'Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach;
Gone too soon.
Born to inspire to delite,
Here one day gone one night.
Like a sunset dying with the rising of the moon;
Gone too soon.'
(Michael Jackson 1991)
So, just a small theological question for you comment on: The time on mission and more specificall with Hayley was definately a gift from God. It couldn't possibly have been anything else. But do I thank and praise the Lord for the time He gave us or do I weep because we had no more?
Jx
Current scripture: 'Even the foolishness of God is wiser than Human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.' (1 Corinthians 1:25)
Meaning of the scripture: God has His design, I'm part of that design just as Hayley is. God can't do something foolish only we can, so if His plan has something for me and Hayley it will happen, if not He has a good reason for it.
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Note to lj: One choice of moods is never enough. At the moment 'good' is my most dominant emotion, but I feel a mixture of far more emotions than just that: I feel tired (must have sleep - umm, bed looks so cosey from here), I feel loved and appreciated - Sean ur great but Sam I love you xxx ahem, I mean Solidarity sis (I'll go into detail l8r), I feel lonely (but for once is not consuming me, due to Lizzie - MWAH! I love you too xxx). There are a few other moods filtering through as well such as anxity over the two missions I'm facing (especially Moldova for so many reasons...DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!! lol)
Neway basicly the overall picture is that after a rather disterbing period of instability, depression and general suicidalness, <- not quite sure if that's a word, I think I'm on the other side. The only problem now is that after a time of Satan's testing (which I believe that was, although I failed miserably) there is a great reward from God. This will probably be a great time for fun and learning on the mission trips (wahoo, what a party :D) or perhaps a girlfriend (less likey but still a possible... btw God did I ever tell you how much I love you? ;) ) or sommit I'm totally not expecting like...well if I knew I'd be expecting it wouldn't I??? he he lol. But before this of course I have to re-establish a link between me n Jesus.
Neway, the reason I feel loved and stuff is because after lastnight's fairly 'I'm gonna top myself before sunrise' entry I decided in the interests of not functioning due to a large ammount of petty pissyness I wasn't gonna go to college. Neway, so when Sam realised I wasn't in Key Skills she got really worried and tried calling me, she tried getting my youth worker's phone number and was generally really worried. I'm really sorry about worrying her like that but the point is that (with the possible exception of my mother) nobody has ever cared enough for me to worry like that. When she found me she gave me this great big hug and squeezed me tight and it just filled me with ... I don't know just something that made me feel that I'd been lying to myself all along and that people do care for me (there's sommit else I want to add here - it's just bursting out but I can't explain or literise it). Sam, I haven't felt like that in 7 months ( back then it was God who did it!) - you've taken my breath away and left me speachless, you emptyed a huge bag of kack that was weighing me down and filled it with the sweetest helium that is the true love of a friend. I love you, thank you xx. Sean also excelled himself last night as he too worried about me and followed m to the grave yard to check that I was ok and that I hadn't doen anything stupid - the problem was that I go to the Crematorium to find peace and he went to St Wulfram's, but thanx neway m8.
Am still feeling a bit down with the whole being single thing, although I think I may have identified one of my major problems - It's not that no one wants to go out with me, it's that I keep asking people way outta my league to go out with me and when they turn me down I generalise their reaction (usually humour, desgust or more commonly pity) to the whole of the female population. Still saying that, there's a really nice girl called Charlotte that has just started helping out at Good News Club. However, there are a few problems - the inevitable she's taller than me (but I don't even qualify as a munchkin and according to a test I'm Gimli...A dwarf, so that's really not unexpected) secondly, I don't really no her that well (although I'm a bit worried about leaving it too long and ending up in a really good friendship with her). I don't know how she feels about me (but if I did it'd be too easy) and the fact that she's only 15, but to be honest I don't know if that's a problem, although undoubdtably her parents might think it is (comment on that cause I think I need some more opinions).
Neway, is now 12:30 and I have a mission to go to tomorow. Hopefully I'll come back to a stack full of comments and give a huge lj entry bout how much fun I had and how I love life.
I love all of you - especially u Nat ;)
Jx
Current scripture: 'Elijah climed to the top of Mt. Carmel, where he bent to the ground with his head betwen his knees [i.e. he was praying]. Then Elijah said to his servant, "Go and look towards the sea." "I see nothing." he said. Elijah told him to go and look again. This happened seven times. The seventh time, the servant said, "I see a small cloud, the size of a human fist coming from the sea." Elijah told his servant, "Go to Ahab and tell him to get his charriot ready and go home now or the rain will stop him." After a short time the sky was covered with dark clouds. The wind began to blow, and soon a heavy rain began to fall. (1 Kings 18:41b-45a)
The meaning of the scripture: When things don't happen when you want or expect them to, have faith - when they do come you'll be caught up in a flood of them. Trust in God, His omnipitance and omnipreasence never stop helping you, even if you do have to wait for their influence sometimes.
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Here's an interesting philosophical question...Why life? I bet it's one that no one has heard before. Now an even more interesting theological question...Life or death, to remain in one would be living hell - to gentally hold and caress the embrace and bliss of another would be actual hell. But why? Why does it have to be that way? Why can't God see what I'm going through and at least make some small measures to help me? Surely if God knew how I feel inside he'd accept me with loving arms if I were to end it.
I just want to die, I just want to be there, on the brink of death, knowing that I'll soon be over - I want to hug Beth goodbye and whisper softly in her ear how much I've savored and appriciated her being there for me...I want to look into Deborah's eyes and without speaking plea to her that she doesn't do the same as me...I want to spend my final tears on Lizzie's shoulder and feel her breath against the back of my neck...I want to tell Sam how much I love her for the last time ever and hold her as tight as I ever have to let her know that if is was the perfection of Heaven I was going to I would want to take her with me. I want to get on my knees and unable to look upwards to God cry out to him that I'm sorry but I could never be good enough to live his life. Then surrounded by my closest friends I would look at their faces, one by one, trying deperately to remember them dispite beyond the barriers of life and death - raise a gun to my mouth and whimpering the tears of bitter remorse of what I'm about to do to Jesus...end it. Just a single shot, a decitful redeemer of sanity. Just one bullet, all it would take.
My romantic vision of death. I wish I could carry it out.
Jx
Current scripture: Job's wife said to him, 'Why are you trying to stay innocent? Curse God and die!' (Job 2:9)
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So much to say so little time for me to explain the way I feel,
You only see things the way you want to see them.
It makes sence to you all the things you do,
You've got it all figured out while everyone is confused.
How do you do it?
In your mind I'm just blind Your right all of the time,
If I think for myself I guess I'm way outta line.
I'm not who you are I'm so sorry.
I can't do anything right you don't know me stay outta my life,
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to.
I can't be like you dont wanna be like you.
No matter what I do it's never enough,
I give all that's me; still it's never enough.
So why try? I give up!
What does it feel like to be in your shoes,
And walk over everyone like you do?
Tear me down again I want you to.
You're lovely, so beautiful,
You're perfect in every way.
Your interior rusted, I'm so disgusted,
Can't trust it, you're busted.
I can't do anything right you don't know me stay outta my life,
Kick me while I'm down, I want you to.
I can't be like you dont wanna be like you.
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Thursday, March 21st, 2002
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| Time: | 10:40 am. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | Your winter - (10 things I hate about you soundtrack). |
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For once, I'm not acctually feeling that bad. I'm sat in the e-learing centre trying desperately to waste the hour before tutorial. Bored. Everyone tried the idea of writing gud things bout all our friends and it's quite refreshing to hear what ppl acctually feel about each other when it seems that we all take everyone for granted cause we see them on a daily basis. Especially Sam's entry really touched me (Solidarity sis!) but the entries from everybodies run down on their peeps was great.
I'm tired. The one problem with this livejournal, msn and an internet connection in my bedroom = no sleap. I dragged myself outta bed this morning with barely enough time to get a shower before psychology and am currently suffering a headache (or hangover) due to excessive alcohol and not enough sleap. I'm thinking of going out tonite cause it's Mike's 18th birthday (big up Mike!) but will have to get found a few problematic factors...
1. I'm broke
2. I have a pile of work to do
3. I have an exam on monday and am on mission over the weekend = no time to revise
What the hell? I'll get hammerd! :D
I've got bout a week and a half of mission between now and the end of the Easter holidays and am begining to worry bout a few things such as the fact that I now have 14 days before the Moldova mission and have yet to attempt to find out about funding from the church or getting US dollers sorted, getting travel insurance (an ASAP case) getting an air-bed sorted for this weekend's mission (uuummm sleaping on a church floor, that'll be cosy). Then of course there are the more mienal things such as the fact that I can't speak Rumainian without a translator, I'm going on mission with a psychotic Welsh teacher (a supremely cool bloke) another more English more petite primary school teacher (who seems cool enough), Aaron, (a rather groovy-cool bloke) although he has a speach inpediment so I'm a bit worried about how frustrating the language barrier will be for him (pray for a good translator) and the rest are over 60!
Despite my feeling reletivly good (which doesn't say much in reletivity to the last few days)I'm still in a blue 'I'm single nobody wants me' mood. Lizzie's gonna kill me cause she's fed up of hearing it. I'll try to keep a smile on and perhaps sombody'll have a fit of desperation and think they like me...don't know why.
Ah Ha, I've wasted an hour - time to go to tutorial!
Jx
Current scripture: None, in the e-learning centre and the closest bbl is in the Library.
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I'm Legolas/Gimli! What LoTR Ship Are You?
You're Legolas/Gimli! You like to kill lots of Orcs, and after that have kinky after-slay sex. All in all, a wholesome, perfect relationship. Now there's just the matter of Elves and Dwarves, er, hating each other...
See, I'm an Elf - Not quite the elegance or welth of Elrond but I'm an Elf. Now lizzie can't refuse me ;)
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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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Apparently, judging by this morning's Scoiology lesson, friends are there to take the piss out've you when you try really hard at somthing and worked your ass off. Sam gave me a real sence of accomplishment when her and Toby were pissing themselves at my efforts for the presentation!!! I really appriciated it. But of course innocence prevails and she has no idea why I'm mad at her.
Everyone is wailing bout how unvoved and single they are...WHY??? It really pisses me off - all of them have some interest, except...oh yeah wait...ME, isn't that a change?
The lads are back from NY. Great (note the exssesive sardonism). Now, it's time for me to sit back and watch everyone start talking about how much they missed the lads...Makes me fucking sick. That would never happen to me if I went away. What are the chances of Sam jumping me when I get back from Moldova and everyone crowding to ask how it went?
Thinking bout death, not like anything paricular just the peacefull bliss it could bring. I wonder wether I acctually could do it? It would only take a few seconds... Damn, I'm such a fucking pansy.
Jx
Current scripture: None, don't have time
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I'm scared for us, all of us. I don't know what's happend but our groupies are all loosing grip. But it's different than before - we've all been pissed n depressed but this time it's somehow...diferent. Below are a bunch of selected and edited lj entries from my closest groupies (Sean, ur not in there cause u didn't expand on 'Jonny's entry got me thinking') to try and highlight my point. They're all anonymous but they were all public entries neway:
If when I'm feeling blue [ie I'm single mood], people say, "but there are plenty of people that like you, you turn heads." and all that crap. COMPLETE BOLLOCKS.
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
Ok- so how much of a bitch exactly am i? Spent all of Sunday convincing myself that I was making too much of Saturdays events (thanks Deb and Beth - without you I would have gone completely insane).Then I get constant text messages and phone calls on Monday - men who'd have em?- well not me that's for sure, mainly because they don't want me.
And once more round the tree I go...
Does anyone care anymore?
Do they even notice?
Would I really be missed?
Would anyone notice if one day I just wasn't there?
And would they care?
They no longer want my help
Im nothing but a shadow
I can't help the way I feel or the fact that im getting worse by the minute and my mood is changing. its like I don't exist anymore
remember a qoute form the matrix 'It's the question that drives us Neo, do you know the question?' but I don't know the question so I have no drive. No one wants to be with me. why? [am acctually crying now]. Why is it that all the girls go for complete bastards? What can't I be a basterd? what exactly compels ppl to say that 'they just want to be me friends?' Why? What makes me need so desperately for a girlfriend? I don't want to have sex, sommit that seems to be a huge problem to the entire female species and I just need someone to be close to. Damn ppl like Rob because they can fuck women around and not care and still have them care about him - the basterd. What good are all my A's if I have no emotional life. Screw my social life, I just want an emotional life!
Something is wrong with the society we exist in if this is the state of the future leadership. What we can see above are the thoughts and feelings of the top 5% of Brittish intellegence, a scarry thought. Above, somewhere we have Sam - probably a future teacher, Beth - future babe (sorry hun don't think u've said what u wanna be), Debs - another future babe (only in a bigger version), Lizzie - future performing Artist (and a damn good one too) and me, future ambasador for God (or special forces operative lol). Ok, so none of us are the future politicians of the UK but lets say in Sam's case - she's gonna convey her thoughts and feeling onto our kids. If lizzie ever wrote a play, script or book her thoughts and feelings would be shown that way. And If I ever make it to the pulpit what can I teach about God when I have thoughts like these running through my head? Some food for thought and I wonder where we can justify attributing the causes for such behaviour? Hormones, parents, upbringing, wider society, genetics? the list is endless.
I've had a few comments about my last entry (see below) mostly over msn ar to my face. Nat (Clarke - friend from Cadets and history for those who don't know her) thinks I need help. I probably do - after all I've been having it for the last 5 years till I left school. should I join one of the many hundreds of millions of ppl on chemotherapy (in psychology and councilling thats any type of drug treatment) Prozac maybe - Americans seem to love it. I wish that I could just run away from my problems and hide till they've gone but I really don't think that they'll go. One of my Church friends came up with a novel idea the other day, one that I know will work but I'm a bit worried about using...Praying. Still I'll eventually get back on the right side of God, After all I have no real choice now that I've said tha I want Him cause (had really good scripture in mind but cant go upstairs to get my bbl cause mum'll kill me for still being up) He chose me, now I accepted he got it all planned out. Don't you hate God when he's being all omnipitant n stuff! Lizzie did sommit really great in her 1st lj entry and for the first time today I smiled cause I thought someone recognised me, she went through and commented on all the groupies individually. It made me smile so here goes from my perspective.
Lizzie - You're a total, total ... a word is yet to be invented to explain what you are. But you are one, and a total total one at that. *Biggest and longest hugs cause I don't wanna let go* What can I say other than I love you? I think you care about me more than anyone in the world. You wouln't even talk to me bout your problems cause u thought I may feel worse bout myself. You're great and I love you like...well like someone I love very much. You have more energy than you or I combined could know what to do with! (If only I were a 6,2 kings lad in a US Naval Aviator uniform hay? Still in the word's of the omnipitant...YOOOOOOOOU'RE GREAT (Tony the Tiger). Have to stop hugging u now to go onto the next person... (ps. you're the best kisser that I've ever had the fortune to try it with) Jx
Sam - I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, You're the best sister I could ever of had or wished for and want to spend all my time wiv you. You have a great way of pissin me of so that I'm not acctually mad at u but jut love you more. your a better councilor than Freud (respect) and have a smile that melts my heart. You have crap taste in men but I have an erily strong feeling that, that may soon change, especially if u listen to the pearls of wisdom from ur big bro *loving hug n tender peck on the cheek* *takes on step step back, brings himself smartly to attention, salutes* Solidarity sis Jx
Beth - *Big hugs wiv big kisses* what can I say? U'r brilliant - u totally counciled me thorugh my obsesion wiv Sam (although mum wasn't pleased by the ?30 phone bill...just to you!!) And then just when you thought it was over and time for a rest, U councilled me thorough my obsession with Lizzie. MWAH i love u. I'm sorry If it seems that our friendship so far has been a little take, take, take on m part - I've never meant it to be that way and from now on it's changing!!! come to me for help plz... loves Jx
Debs - You're big and scarry (but only cause ur twice my size)but Ur like the big scarry thing in Labrynth! The one that's first seen upside down being teased by some creatures bout mine and Sam's hight. He was cool, just like you. Mwah ,I love you babe *big hug* Jx
This stuff is really good, I suggest that you all try doing this. It's so good. I was ready to be really GRRRish at the beging of this post now I'm all happy and stuff (maybe sommit to do wiv the beer). But seriously - write good points bout all ur really close friends and u'll feel great.
Jx
PS. I started out wiv my current mood as worried - the change came cause I'm really, truely deeply touched to know and love you guys.
Current scripture: Can't get upstairs for me bbl wivout mum killing me (it's now 3am and have a 9am lesson) I'll post 2 in my next entry
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So the question plauges the very existance of my life - Why? Vague, probably. There is no real question there, thats the problem. I can't answer the question because I can't define the problem. There is a term for it but I can't remember but basicly I'm an emotional screwup. I have more hormonal imblences than I care for or know what to do with. Damn, Damn, Basterd, Big fat Balls, Shitty shitty damn Life basterd cuntish crap thing that I hate GITish fuck fuck fuck fuck. And I still don't feel any better Why does the whole shitty world hate me and make its sole purpose the psychological suffocation of my sanity... I feel physically sick because of the way I fee inside and I don't know how I fucking feel so i can't remedy it! I just want to go away and cry forever cause nothing seems to stop the hurting! so I ask again why. Damn, still no answer.
I'm the only person alive thats gonna be single 4 ever. For fucks sake, the only of my groupies that arn't single I'm fucking councilling the ppl that want to go out wiv them. Where's the justice in that. And why the hell do I keep using full stops instead of question marks. So yet another of the infinate people joins the lines of those trying to woo Sam, and ppl are getting shitty cause there are so many after Lizzie and I'm the one that everyone from all sides talks to and I'm the only one with no damned experience. Why does nobody that I even remotley find attractive like me? (k drank so much I cant feel my skin properly...time for another beer :D). want to cry, but don't think i could stop. shity shity world. I want to die. I want this all to be over with. would Hell be better that what I'm facing on earth? Would it be worth selling my soul to Saten to find a better life till I die? I remember a qoute form the matrix 'It's the question that drives us Neo, do you know the question?' but I don't know the question so I have no drive. No one wants to be with me. why? [am acctually crying now]. Why is it that all the girls go for complete bastards? What can't I be a basterd? what exactly compels ppl to say that 'they just want to be me friends?' Why? What makes me need so desperately for a girlfriend? I don't want to have sex, sommit that seems to be a huge problem to the entire female species and I just need someone to be close to. Damn ppl like Rob because they can fuck women around and not care and still have them care about him - the basterd. What good are all my A's if I have no emotional life. Screw my social life, I just want an emotional life! I want to be loved and to love back! I want ppl to look at me walking down the street with someone on my arm and think that they want to be as lucky as I am. I want for someone who'll lie next to me and let me hold them close. I want for someone who cares. Nobody cares. Apparently I'm wierd! obviously it's one of my attributes as it seems to scare off everyone. I hate life, Why? What will i be when I'm older? A psychologist? I don't really want to, A special forces Marine? - every body that I've told has laughed, A pilot - i'd be turned down at selection and then force to 17 years of sommit i don't want to do. Sommit for God? Why would God want to use me, I'm a failure - I'm a hopeless sinner that is stuck in an endless downward spiral of sin and deceit. He doesn't want me. (next beer)...Mum's hidden the bottle opener - had to use scissors. A lawyer? - I outlived that dream when John (my old boss) crushed my dreams last year. Dead trhe best option so far, but how would Jesus feel? I mean all the blood he shed for me to live and I just disgard his gift like a disused childs toy. What so damn funny about me being Marine SAAS anyway? why the fuck do ppl find it funny to think that I couldn't make it? My dad was in the SIS (Mi6 for those still living in WW2) and he's a fucking pansy. I don't mean being a James Bond - I'm a team player, so why don't ppl think I could make it to the team? Why? Why is life worth living? Screw it, screw it all, Screw the A;s that I'm getting in my exams course work and mocks - I failed last year and now I can fucking do it - I've proved it to myself so screw it!!! Screw ppl that pretend to be your friends but would fuck off to some one else to bithc about you. Screw all my friends that don't tell me when they have a problem wiv me but just bitch to my other friends in the vauge hope that it'll get back to me to sort it out. Screw everybody that just wants to be friends cause they all have sommit better than me, screw these shitty tears that are soaking my hoody, screw the need to be wanted. Screw the need to be a middle class professional, screww all the bad spellings and punctuation in this shitty meaningless piece of writing. Screw my bastard of a pedophile that calls himself my father - That abandond my mother and me for 6 x 5-7 year olds (including my first girlfriend) and prison when I was 6. Screw his ex-officership, just screw the BASTARD. screw the fact that I've spelt bastard differently each time I say it. Screw praying for a girlfriend for me and a boyfriend for Lizzie caus I've been douin it too long and I'm tired of asking, screw P.U.S.H (Pray Until Sommit Happens) because I can't handle God's life, Screw me, because I'm the root cause and trouble of all my lifes problems and if I had the guts I could just end it, but i don't. Why. Screw what everybody would think if I did kill myself because I'd be forgotten, Screw this entire section of the text cause it's gotta be the most gramatically incorrect thing in the world. Screw my oppinions on sex and abortion because nobody cares anyway, Screw Trying to preach the gosple cause nobody listens and Sean's just out to desoerately contradict everything I say. Screw life.
It's taken me 3 hours to find the energy to write this (beer 6) entry and I've not got anywhere near where I want to be before I finish. But as all things in life I just have to accept it but shit happens as ppl say. I don't want the boys (specifically Rob) to come back from NY as I currently want to cut his balls off to teach him respect for women and my friends and resently had a dream where I tourtured and killed him (v. Strange). Still neva mind hay.
Jx
Current scripture: 'I cry out to God: I call to God and he will hear me. I look for the Lord on the day of trouble. All night long I reach out my hands, but I cannot be comforted. When I remember you God, I become upset; when I think of you I become afraid. You keep my eyes from closing. I am too upset to say anything. I keep thinking of the old days, the years long ago. At night I remember my songs and think to myself: Will theLord regect us forever? Will he never be kind to us again? Is his love gone forever? Has he stopped speaking for all time ? Has God forgotten mercy? is he too angry to pity us?' (Psalm 77:1-9)
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Well, a few interesting things have happened since my last real entry (wedensday), so chronologically - firstly of course was my sociology result which I'm quite proud of but was more God's work than mine. That same day I adopted my own little sister, Sam, as I've always wanted a little sis and she's always wanted a big bro, and now we seem to have a certain family 'solidarity'. She seems to have taken to her new extended family quite well, with Stephen and Andrew showing their support and Paul just slowly coming to the realisation that now there are more ppl to rib him and beat him up. Next was the designing of the float for the carnival parade and seen as how this year's theme is Kings and Queens we've got the perfect person...Jesus. We still aren't sure as to which particular aspect of his life yet (some want to do birth but I think it's far too Christmasy) but a firm decision was made that if we have the death - they want me to be crucified. A few decisions were made reasently bout the mission to Moldova but to be honest I really don't want to go anymore. The flight from Heathrow will be fine but I'm visualising a box wiv wings to take us from Istanbul. The culture will be...well empoverished Eastern Europe and I hear some scary stuff bout the food. Not only that I kacking myself about the language barrier - how am I supposed to convey the gospel properly through a translator when I can't even do it to my friends in my native language. I'm gonna be living in a place where ppl flock in awe of the new flushable toilet on the block and where there is the (almost) guarentee of 2 hours worth of electricity every 24 hour period, unfortunately we don't know when that is as the time changes daily. So I'm a bit aprehensive of going. I got a call from a friend that I haven't seen in about a year today and now I've been roped into spending next weekend in Lincoln doing a young ppl's mission wiv lots of sesame street type puppets. This of course would all be great if I didn't have an a history exam on monday that constitued part of my overall grade.
I'm seriously begining to feel really unloved. I'm the only one wiv no romantic interest whatsoever! Debs although single has interestees, Beth's got Andy, Sam's...well apart from the fact that there are loads've ppl after Sam she's my sister (EWWWW), Lizzie has peeps, who, apparently drive ;) but I have no one. Still you know what the Monty Python boys always say - [comment her]. But then you stop to Smee wiv Hellen or Whit n Abby and suddenly life doesn't seem to have all the neccersary fundamental elements.
Still it is forward I go, never looking back (cause there's some nasty stuff to reminise on). The question that drives me is when is it going to end? When will this relentless drag of life actually cease and give me a break? And why did God make it a sin to end it prematurely? Just if any of you are dying to let out some killer instinct I'm a prime target for persecution - If I'm mytered I get like a skip the queue thing at heaven. (wishful thinking).
Jx
No current scripture - looking through the appropriate books would kill me wiv depression, and not in the mood to find happy clappy scripture.
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jonnythebaptist's journal
good.
discontent.
tired.